If only...

I have made an observation related to the blog. I have noticed that I have received a few comments, especially from those whom I have not spoken to in a while, related to the cancer and treatment which is certainly expected. Plus I like all of the nice comments, encouragement, and prayers; it is very nice. Then I got to thinking about this part, I have been called strong, courageous, told to keep fighting, and it is great I am much encouraged. Here is the if only… if only that were true. If only I could really contribute something to my situation, for healing, or for my family’s comfort. That means, I have no bearing on what has been or is to come, and feel as if I should set the record straight. Jesus has taken care of me and made my trips though the chemo relatively easy. Who do you know that is planning on sanding and painting a room on chemo? That is ridiculous. Jesus has led me to the right doctors and whispered to them the right drugs. He has kept me from sickness. If only I could take credit for being strong or for working to be healthy. None. Even now, as I pondered how to express these thoughts, it is impure. There is still the inevitable “I” that slips in even with the best of intentions. Maybe now someone will think I am very spiritually strong based on these thoughts, still wrong. Jesus has been so generous with teaching me and closer than ever when I struggled. All I know is this, that this disease is in me for whatever reason, take your best guess it is as good as mine, all I want to do is walk and not slip.

Let me share with you one last thing:

Psalm 17:5 NKJV

Uphold my steps in Your paths,

That my footsteps may not slip.

This is a verse I came across at the beginning. It is a weird version, but has been the cornerstone of my encouragement though the cancer times.

I hope this comes across as I hope, I am hesitating at the publish post button even now... but here it is.