Stefanie Spielman

So it is November 19, 2009 and somewhere the family of this woman are mourning. For those of you who are not familiar with Stefanie Spielman, she was a woman who made raising money for breast cancer a focus once she was diagnosed. She ended up being a local celebrity married to a former Ohio State player, Chris Spielman. They had four kids and she was 42. Her passing is already on the news, and her obituary was published within 20 minutes of her death. Tomorrow will be full of this sadness.

I think on death and how it affects those who are in cancer treatment, and those who have lost loved ones to cancer. I do feel bad for this family's loss. This sucks. Their children are young to have to deal with this and it just sucks.

Here is where I have my own thoughts. Like I said I am sorry for this family's loss, however, I have this feeling that the news will make more of her and her life just because she had cancer. This is the part I hate about the disease, those lost are often euligized as having had a great fight, and they were troopers. I think the disease is evil and works with guerilla warfare, sneakily, and steals parts a little at a time, until it is beaten or it finally shuts down your body (which I kind of think is funny because it is like it kills itself), and I hate giving it any more attention. I would rather Stefanie's life were defined as the mother she was and how she gave to the community, instead of sort of taking the disease and then making it a definition of your life.

I remember when my dad was sick at home with hospice. He lived his life not letting that cancer get in his way, until it stopped him in his tracks. Never was he defined by his disease. I like instead that he lived in spite of it gradually taking away the things that he loved and what he wanted to do. Even near the end he paid attention to his beloved grandchildren and interacted with them as best he could. When the media glorifies cancer deaths as sort of an end to an era, it is just so wrong. Cancer is evil and painful and unless your loved one died of cancer and you were with them every step of the way, ribbons and merchandise just don't depict it's ugliness.

Conclusion: Cancer sucks. I still hate it.

Winner!

I am the proud owner of my very own sinus infection! That equals me being disappointed. Here's the deal when you get "the crap" when you are on the chemo. It certainly is more concerning to be sure, however, I think I am very fortunate. I was running no fever and I got to the doctor soon after I had symptoms, but I have to be on antibiotics for 10 days. Probably everyone reading knows that is the course of action for an infection, plus I didn't have to go to the hospital, so not too bad right? Anyway, here is what I didn't know, chemo is held off until the antibiotic is done AND for a week after the last dose. I was scheduled to get some chemo on Friday. The next dose will be the week after Thanksgiving.

It is really funny when I am in a course of taking chemo, I want it so bad. I know it is doing it's job and I want to get the drugs. Get the chemo and let's git 'er done! I feel like such a drug addict craving chemo drugs.

When something happens outside my plan it certainly it can be hard for me to adjust. I have my objectives and when it is upset it can be discouraging. I have learned better to accept and adjust, and because I have the ability to do much of what I want to on chemo that makes it easier, but it is hard to think it is delayed for over two weeks. At least I am safe and I do not have anything worse!

If only...

I have made an observation related to the blog. I have noticed that I have received a few comments, especially from those whom I have not spoken to in a while, related to the cancer and treatment which is certainly expected. Plus I like all of the nice comments, encouragement, and prayers; it is very nice. Then I got to thinking about this part, I have been called strong, courageous, told to keep fighting, and it is great I am much encouraged. Here is the if only… if only that were true. If only I could really contribute something to my situation, for healing, or for my family’s comfort. That means, I have no bearing on what has been or is to come, and feel as if I should set the record straight. Jesus has taken care of me and made my trips though the chemo relatively easy. Who do you know that is planning on sanding and painting a room on chemo? That is ridiculous. Jesus has led me to the right doctors and whispered to them the right drugs. He has kept me from sickness. If only I could take credit for being strong or for working to be healthy. None. Even now, as I pondered how to express these thoughts, it is impure. There is still the inevitable “I” that slips in even with the best of intentions. Maybe now someone will think I am very spiritually strong based on these thoughts, still wrong. Jesus has been so generous with teaching me and closer than ever when I struggled. All I know is this, that this disease is in me for whatever reason, take your best guess it is as good as mine, all I want to do is walk and not slip.

Let me share with you one last thing:

Psalm 17:5 NKJV

Uphold my steps in Your paths,

That my footsteps may not slip.

This is a verse I came across at the beginning. It is a weird version, but has been the cornerstone of my encouragement though the cancer times.

I hope this comes across as I hope, I am hesitating at the publish post button even now... but here it is.