Christmas is a Time for Mascara

In honor Christmas, I decided it was worth risking all of my eyelashes falling out for some fancy dressing up mascara. I know, pretty exciting, but you don't think about those things with the chemo, eyelashes falling out and such. All is well, when I washed off the mascara, I didn't wash away all of my eyelashes. It actually is pretty sad times when you have no eyelashes because you totally get crap in your eyes 10x more.

Merry Belated Christmas! Here's to a happy healthy 2010!

Ps. I am not sure that new year's will bring out the mascara, apparently just fancy Christmas Eve church services merit that.

4th Treament Part 2

Back to Monday to give a little more detail about the craziness of chemo and cancer. So we always have to see the nurse practitioner or the oncologist every time we go, they have to be diligent to address any issues, and I have to tell them anything that is weird going on. So I had something weird. I noticed that I have a numb spot on my hip. Weird. I actually didn't think anything of it, Craig told me that I should share this with the nurse practitioner. Ok, so I did, what a mess! Who would have thought that what that made her worry about was cancer that could be causing numbness?! So MRI's and x-rays later say everything is all good.

Anyway, the issue sort of was complicated because we said we didn't want these tests. (WHAT?) Yeah, it is because we also didn't think the nurse practitoner was listening to all that was happening and for certian other reasons may have been jumping to conclusions. We thought it was important to check mind you but we offered to do the tests the next chemotherapy when there will be a two day trip because they are going to measure again with a PET, and we had more time in philly with the schedule. Usually we get back to our house from philly and it is after midnight, and we are getting up at 4:00 am, plus getting chemo. That monday we were supposed to get into columbus at 7:30! we were so excited. with everyting that had to be changed we got home and it was 11:30ish so not too bad, and the flight was on time a super blessing.

This also may not have much bearing on you all, but for me there is a definate line drawn for many who have cancer. With my family I saw that certian problems they had would be easily dismissed as the cancer, no one would listen to them, and just write off their pain or issue. Our bodies are complex, and we have the potential for many things (unfortuneately) to go wrong, cancer is not necessarily the answer for all things when a person has cancer. That day they suceeded in making me a broken down cancer patient, which I refuse to be. Like I said there was nothing wrong, it was prudent to check, but wow. Crazy times on Monday. I am glad that we got everything done on everyone's list, all I wanted was the drugs!

4th Treatment!

Finally! I have received the 4th chemo in this course of 6. I feel like I am back on track. I feel like I have had chemo but back on track. I don't have many side effects today, but I am definitely feeling a shock to the system. I was starting to get back more energy and had less muscle aches and bone pain so now that is all back. Ah well. If all goes as hoped there are only 2 more chemotherapies in this run. I hope there are not another bonus 6. There were a couple of other things that happened yesterday too, but I will have to take a minute to write you that story. Until then!

Other Blogs

Have you all taken a minute to use that view next blog icon when you are at this page? I do every now and again. It is amazing the amount of stories which are related to cancer, or others with a health issue or disease. Then when I find one (like I did just now, a breast cancer lady, 47) and I can't stop reading, sometimes it is just bad. It is like the train wreck no one can look away from. This woman recorded her symptoms, her struggles with double mastectomies, her reconstruction, and it is wow. I think how sad it is there are so many stories that are shared blogging which are related to disease. Then I think about this woman's struggles and it depresses me a little because cancer can be hard, it can take our loved ones, it can take joy, and it can break spirits. Anyway....I am so blessed to not have had all of the awful side effects that this woman had (she even lost total taste, how crappy is that?). I have only had a lumpectomy. It only took an hour! Does it take longer to get your tonsils removed? Really when I read something like that it is like a life check, remembering how much I have been blessed, what I have been spared from as of this moment, and God is good all of the time no matter what.

Four Years and Nine Days

I had actually meant to blog you all on November 21, 2009. It is a day that will live in infamy! It is the anniversary of my diagnosis. Four years. Doesn't that seem like a mess? It doesn't feel that long. It also doesn't feel like I have had to put my life on hold. The only thing that is lamented is there have been moments when I have not been able to comb hair, and other times when I had a terrible mullet from the hair that was hearty and did not fall out. I didn't keep regularly scheduled hair appointments when I let the mullet grow in. It did cut down on the time it took to get ready for work. That was nice. God is good. Four years blessed with life.

That being said, Dr. Kendra you still suck! Cancer sucks! Go CTCA!

Finally!

It is time! I have been able to schedule a chemo for December 7th! I joke with my co-workers because when I get all excited about being back to chemo I feel like I am saying I am addicted to drugs. I am glad to feel like I am back on track. It will be over 6 weeks since the last chemo and it just feels like a long time, plus it felt like a long pause to get the whole thing started up again.

Well anyway, I am back in the chemo chair, God willing, next Monday. All blood counts must be good, which I can't imagine they would be bad, but I haven't been in this situation before. I guess we'll see!

Stefanie Spielman

So it is November 19, 2009 and somewhere the family of this woman are mourning. For those of you who are not familiar with Stefanie Spielman, she was a woman who made raising money for breast cancer a focus once she was diagnosed. She ended up being a local celebrity married to a former Ohio State player, Chris Spielman. They had four kids and she was 42. Her passing is already on the news, and her obituary was published within 20 minutes of her death. Tomorrow will be full of this sadness.

I think on death and how it affects those who are in cancer treatment, and those who have lost loved ones to cancer. I do feel bad for this family's loss. This sucks. Their children are young to have to deal with this and it just sucks.

Here is where I have my own thoughts. Like I said I am sorry for this family's loss, however, I have this feeling that the news will make more of her and her life just because she had cancer. This is the part I hate about the disease, those lost are often euligized as having had a great fight, and they were troopers. I think the disease is evil and works with guerilla warfare, sneakily, and steals parts a little at a time, until it is beaten or it finally shuts down your body (which I kind of think is funny because it is like it kills itself), and I hate giving it any more attention. I would rather Stefanie's life were defined as the mother she was and how she gave to the community, instead of sort of taking the disease and then making it a definition of your life.

I remember when my dad was sick at home with hospice. He lived his life not letting that cancer get in his way, until it stopped him in his tracks. Never was he defined by his disease. I like instead that he lived in spite of it gradually taking away the things that he loved and what he wanted to do. Even near the end he paid attention to his beloved grandchildren and interacted with them as best he could. When the media glorifies cancer deaths as sort of an end to an era, it is just so wrong. Cancer is evil and painful and unless your loved one died of cancer and you were with them every step of the way, ribbons and merchandise just don't depict it's ugliness.

Conclusion: Cancer sucks. I still hate it.

Winner!

I am the proud owner of my very own sinus infection! That equals me being disappointed. Here's the deal when you get "the crap" when you are on the chemo. It certainly is more concerning to be sure, however, I think I am very fortunate. I was running no fever and I got to the doctor soon after I had symptoms, but I have to be on antibiotics for 10 days. Probably everyone reading knows that is the course of action for an infection, plus I didn't have to go to the hospital, so not too bad right? Anyway, here is what I didn't know, chemo is held off until the antibiotic is done AND for a week after the last dose. I was scheduled to get some chemo on Friday. The next dose will be the week after Thanksgiving.

It is really funny when I am in a course of taking chemo, I want it so bad. I know it is doing it's job and I want to get the drugs. Get the chemo and let's git 'er done! I feel like such a drug addict craving chemo drugs.

When something happens outside my plan it certainly it can be hard for me to adjust. I have my objectives and when it is upset it can be discouraging. I have learned better to accept and adjust, and because I have the ability to do much of what I want to on chemo that makes it easier, but it is hard to think it is delayed for over two weeks. At least I am safe and I do not have anything worse!

If only...

I have made an observation related to the blog. I have noticed that I have received a few comments, especially from those whom I have not spoken to in a while, related to the cancer and treatment which is certainly expected. Plus I like all of the nice comments, encouragement, and prayers; it is very nice. Then I got to thinking about this part, I have been called strong, courageous, told to keep fighting, and it is great I am much encouraged. Here is the if only… if only that were true. If only I could really contribute something to my situation, for healing, or for my family’s comfort. That means, I have no bearing on what has been or is to come, and feel as if I should set the record straight. Jesus has taken care of me and made my trips though the chemo relatively easy. Who do you know that is planning on sanding and painting a room on chemo? That is ridiculous. Jesus has led me to the right doctors and whispered to them the right drugs. He has kept me from sickness. If only I could take credit for being strong or for working to be healthy. None. Even now, as I pondered how to express these thoughts, it is impure. There is still the inevitable “I” that slips in even with the best of intentions. Maybe now someone will think I am very spiritually strong based on these thoughts, still wrong. Jesus has been so generous with teaching me and closer than ever when I struggled. All I know is this, that this disease is in me for whatever reason, take your best guess it is as good as mine, all I want to do is walk and not slip.

Let me share with you one last thing:

Psalm 17:5 NKJV

Uphold my steps in Your paths,

That my footsteps may not slip.

This is a verse I came across at the beginning. It is a weird version, but has been the cornerstone of my encouragement though the cancer times.

I hope this comes across as I hope, I am hesitating at the publish post button even now... but here it is.

Results!

Ok, I have now been properly scanned. Everything is going well! We asked the doctor to look at the PET scan, it is this hovering gray body body with any bad spots as black. The first PET scan he pulled up was the last one and I almost was crazy, he didn't tell us he was pulling that up first and I thought, this drug is doing a bunch of nothing. Haha! He got us, but he wasn't doing that on purpose. Then he opened the PET scan from this past visit and you could totally tell it has gotten a ton better! Yay! So I received treatment yesterday that was number three in this protocol, half way. That feels good. It does go by pretty fast. We stay busy and don't focus on it so it is good.

It is weird, we always have to wait on the doctor. Who hasn't experienced the doctor's office wait? Well I turn into a bunch of nerves every moment that he is late past the appointment. Really that only happens with tests. You wait and take drugs, hope for the best, and now the moment of truth is so close, but there is still a few uncountable moments of waiting. It reminds me of those high school tests I had to take and pass to graduate, the pins and needles of the waiting and anticipation to see if you passed and don't have to take any more. And I do consider this PET scan testing pass/fail. I mean really it is either all gone or not. Pass or fail. :)

In any case, I am happy. I thank you for your prayers. Praise be to God for his mercy as He is visibly healing me now.

Tests and Chemo!

Tomorrow is going to be a fun, fun, fun (extra fun) day. We are off to Philadelphia again. Tomorrow early and me fasting for my PET scan. Bleh. Well I take that back, I can have eggs and breakfast meat at like 6:00 am. Then on Wednesday we get to talk to the doctor about the scan and the effectiveness of this current course of treatment. So the plan: get radioactive tomorrow, measure it, talk to the doc, see the scan, hope the chemo is working as it should be, and then get some more chemo! Yum!

Ahhh, the Pink Ribbon

And the ranting continues... the pink ribbon. Not only do I have cancer, but they picked pink to represent it, and I absolutely HATE pink. As you can probably guess I do not have any pink ribbon accessories for that reason and for another reason I want to share with you here.

What I have noticed when I am with many people who have been stricken with cancer in general is that there is more focus on the disease than people. Meaning, many times when I ride to and from the CTCA I am in the car with folks who have cancer, which makes sense that is the focus of this hospital. More times than not the conversations start by talking about what someone has, and how they got to the CTCA. That's fine and certainly a common topic when at the CTCA, like most people talk weather, we all talk cancer. But this is what I hate about the focus of the pink ribbon and the disease, the people get lost. We talk so much about the disease and what harm it has caused, that sometimes I don't find out someone's name or they don't find out mine. That is why I stopped going to the Susan Komen runs because most folks identify themselves in the pink ribbon cancer society exclusive club. In case I haven't said it enough, I hate the cancer, my goal is to live without giving it the focus of my life, to live in a way to enjoy my life with or without cancer, and be identified separately, not by a pin or a disease.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I don’t know about you all, but I have certainly heard a lot about October being the Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I know this month is tagged to really inform and make people in general aware of early detection of breast cancer makes for the best outcome. If you have read the earlier blog about how my cancer developed, and I did catch the cancer early, but I did decide to do things other than the ideal path of what the surgeon suggested when I was first diagnosed. After saying that, I want to sort of add a spin on the early detection model that has been developed (by who, Susan Komen, the cancer society?) I agree we all need to pay attention to our bodies and go to the doctor when necessary. I would just encourage anyone that goes because of a breast lump, and really wanted a biopsy or a mammogram, and all their doctor decided to do was watch it, to get what you want. The doctor is not the one in charge of your health, you are. At the end of the day you have to be happy with the outcome and the service you have received. You have to go home and deal with surgeries, pain, and/or side effects. The doctor works for you, and can sit there and sufficiently answer any questions you have to your liking because that is their job. I know I am sort of spouting off now, but if someone does not take charge of their own health in the room with their doctor, or does not make an effort to understand all of the nuances of what is available, or is happening, perhaps you will look back and be unhappy with what you have decided. I hear people say things like I would just get them both cut off, they are just useless anyway. Perhaps, but that may be a decision made in fear, and may cause regret. I am just encouraging you all to be aware, but also never be scared or fearful, if God forbid you are in a serious health related issue. I say grab the bull by the horns and bend it to your will, be empowered, and get what you want!

Another Chemo!

Yesterday was the second chemo treatment in the series of six. It was definitely uneventful, meaning very routine. I like to go to the doctor and have it be routine. Outside routine means something is up. I feel pretty good. I don't know how to explain chemo effects, I think maybe I feel a little run over, or like I am just recovering from the flu, not a lot of energy, soreness, and such. Each day that I am farther away from the initial dose I feel better and better, except for if I don't take my claritin of course!

Next time we go, I get to do another PET scan. They are going to determine if this drug is operating as they expect it too. I will be expecting it too, AND for some positive results. :)

The Story of Cancer

I have thought a lot about this topic. The reason I have decided to write about what has happened to get to this point is that friends I have re-connected with or other who have been picked up along the way might not realize all that has happened. Now in saying I have thought a lot about this means how should I approach telling this story? Counting chemo treatments, telling you what drugs I have taken, or who my doctor was? I have decided this is not the story of cancer. I think the story of cancer is my life and what happened while I was at the same time going through treatment. Another reason I came to that conclusion is many times when interacting with other patients it is all about trading drug names and what kind of cancer you have, I want to shout in those moments, my name is Sharon, and I hate the cancer!

So it begins...November, 2005. I found a lump in my breast, was assured that it couldn't be cancer for various reasons. Haha! They were wrong. I received a call at work about the biopsy, they told me, "they found some cancer cells in the biopsy. We need to hurry you through all of these various steps, chemo, surgeon, blah, blah. Well I thought, weird, doesn't everyone have some cancer cells in them anyway? How could it be bad if there are only some? Ahhhh... the beginning of a journey. Also, who in Normalville calls someone at work and is unclear about the diagnosis and then dumps a crapload of news like that? I went back and sat at my desk and thought. I believe it was about 3:00 in the afternoon. I went home and called my parents. That sucked. Everyone was all good though. I did not cry. I remember actually thinking well this early. I figured I would get cancer later in life, there is an unfortunate amount of cancer that is in my family, I got it early. Oh well.

Now this is where I take my own path. I believe that the natural and homeopathic medicines can be invaluable to life. That is can save and cure, I believe that we were given such gifts with creation, however, there is also wisdom with conventional medicine. So I took my own path, with my parents' blessing and support, and only pursued this medicine. They were (are) ever faithful with their support and it is a rock to me. Anyway, I did no conventional medicine until July, 2006, when I met a naturopathic doctor who was able to open my mind to conventional medicine, and the timing was all God's I needed this doctor to help and God led me right to him. He was able to develop a plan that married the two together and made me feel safe. Off to oncology I went. It sucked. I can't even describe those days. In the end of all their poking, prodding, and scanning, I had a plan. To chemo. The first chemo treatments then began.

It was during all this evaluation I had begun a new job maybe 4 months before, and I had also met Craig that summer. I was a little to caught up with all my mess to really feel a green light to respond to his interest. However, at the end of the chemo #1, I called our mutual friend to see if he would be interested in still going out. Our friend fixed us right up. We went out for the first time in November, 2006, weeks after I finished chemo. I had an awesome comb over that he didn't say anything about, he got many points for that. Also at the time of our first date I told him I had cancer, that I sort of botched in my nervousness, but I remember him saying, that does not change anything. It was in these moments I knew I could marry him. That is a total disaster, but true. And it turns out that he has been incredibly well equipped to deal with this whole debacle as it continues. So Craig and I are dating and life is good.

My father's cancer during January, 2007 turned ugly, and sent him in and out of the hospital. I took Craig much earlier than I had anticipated to meet the parents and much family for the first time, in the hospital. He impressed me with his ability to be in those situations. He was good and kind. He was awarded many more points. In May of 2007, we were engaged, life was still good and exciting. However, my cancer was lurking, and it reintroduced itself in June-July, 2007, as my father still was struggling against his cancer as well.

Life's events which happen in chemo #2 are the worst. Summer was full of sickness. I was in chemotherapy. My father at home sick. Friends were so very good to us, they took me to chemo, and sat with me there, and then they made us so many many meals. Other friends cleaned. Such wonderful people. We lost my father in September. I was still on the chemo. I remember calling oncology and saying I wouldn't be in that week, and they demanded a reason. I skipped that week to have more energy and be at home with my family.

We also were working on planning our wedding as well. We had originally planned to be married in November, but ended up pushing the date back to March, 2008. It worked out perfectly to do that. I ended my chemo I believe in early December, 2007 that year, and had just enough time to grow enough hair to not look like a goober in the wedding pictures. That was a good day.

Then in June, 2008 it began again. I believe chemo #3 started in July. You know, I got a lot of good birthday presents with my birthday being in July. Probably had something to do with that chemo. Ha! We didn't let that slow us down. My youngest sister was preparing to be married in October, there were showers and plans to be made. We decided lets buy a house so went to looking. Plus we also got some feedback from the homeopathic doctor that suggested another oncologist so we looked into that. It was a busy fall! My sister was married in October, 2008, and it was great, my wigged head not so great, oh well. I can also be hired to do impressions of John Lennon, blasted crap wig. Anyway, after she was married we were off to Philadelphia and the Cancer Treatment Centers of America (CTCA). Wow, they easily convinced us to go out there and we thought we had good care here in Columbus. SUPER WRONG. The CTCA had that business cleared up in freaking 6 months where the other doctors had screwed around with this mess for what two years? I had a lumpectomy, and was eligible for a neat little radiation treatment that lasted only a week! That is awesome, other treatments usually last for 6 weeks. So blessed! That gets us to April, 2009. Life was good. Summer was great. We were at our new house, planting flowers, getting a new puppy, traveling, hanging out with friends and family, and it was good.

But we haven't counted number 4 yet. So here we are September, 2009 #4. The crap was trying to rear it's ugly head. The CTCA and naturopathic doctors said no way! Now comes the beating it to a pulp.

I told you so!

Too bad it is not me that was doing the telling! As it turns out I thought I did not need to take claritin before I went to bed. Now it is really important to understand that claritin is used to curb side effects of a drug called neulasta which is given to keep white counts high. It can also cause a bunch of pain, but if you take the claritin it is magical and the pain is well managed. I would say that the pain is what I imagine David Banner feels when he turns into the Hulk. Neulasta makes bone marrow go into hyperdrive to make a bunch of little white cells which just make your bones ache.

So, Craig says to me, don't you think you should take the claritin? I thought, nah, plus I don't want to go and get it. I will just sleep and take it in the morning.

Wrong-o! Big mistake! I think that the pain actually woke me up around 4:00 am. I have discovered that Law and Order Special Victims Unit is on that early in the morning, which is awesome. I have also discovered that our couch is crap. We totally need a new one that doesn't have a bunch of butt dents in it because I cannot sleep on that thing.

I'll have some chemo with a side of...

In keeping with this idea of working harder to keep everyone more informed I figure it is time for an update. It has been 6 days since my infusion of chemo, and the exciting times of side effects have begun.

The side effects got me to thinking about when I go to the oncologist and they always ask so many questions about how I am feeling, and what is going on. Almost every time they ask me some sort of question like, do you see spots, pink elephants, or whatever, things are not even listed one the side effect sheet! Like there aren't enough things to watch out for, at their suggestion I start watching out. No pink elephants yet.

Anyway, the things on the list for this awesome drug I take are: constipation, diarrhea, fingernail and toenail changes, hair loss, headache, hot flashes, weight loss, loss of appetite, nausea, mouth sores, stomach pain or upset, taste changes, tiredness or weakness. Awesome! I think they actually just have to list every horrible thing to make sure they got it all, could there be anything else?!

Really, life is not even close to that bad, thank goodness! Maybe they list all the stuff out so when you don't have all that stuff you know how blessed you are. I end up being just tired. That's hard. I want to do so much stuff and it is like I have to budget my energy. Also this time I am having a bit of issues with appetite and stomach upset, which is fine, I figure it is the Ixempra diet, I embrace it!

One other thing, so far I haven't lost any hair yet! Watch it all fall out tonight since I said that, but right now I am pretty happy about that. The doctor said that I may not lose it all with this treatment, but really that doesn't matter. I had visions of a bad comb over, and would rather it just fall out if that is the case.

Post Number One!

I got the idea to use the blogging venue from other friends who are keeping their family and friends updated with their life and health issues in a blog. Hopefully this turns out to be nice for everyone.

So it begins, another round of chemotherapy, I actually got my first dose on Tuesday. It went really well. It took a little while to get all the good stuff, probably around 4 hours. They pamper you though, you get a reclining chair, a window, and your own tv, and then whomever comes with you gets the most uncomfortable chair ever, and they get stuck bringing food and drinks. They meaning Craig. He is very, very, very good to me and I appreciate all that he does for me while we go through this, and how he never freaks out. Apparently I am the only one with that job.

Anyway, it would seem chemotherapy equals a bad place, but it doesn't. I would rather not be doing this again, but such is life. The cancer is not gaining ground, but the oncologist says that it was trying to ramp up for a full blown issue. So he is going to use the chemo to stop the cancer that was trying to gain back ground and make itself healthy and then I'll be rid of this mess. The protocol is once every three weeks, six times, so 18 weeks. Then we will reevaluate and determine if more is needed. I always like to do extra credit so I pretty much expect a little extra.